Both 2020 and 2021 have a ton in common and a ton of changes (what’s new) and a specific few I wanted to talk about because my system can’t even at this point – February 26 2021.
Funny how that’s right past valentines day.
In 2020 we could accept no human contact for a few months. After like 3 months the world was showing major changes in staying sane and functioning – gen x style. And loads of innovation and alcoholism and drug addiction from millennials.
In 2021 I’m coming back home with a bag full of vitamin pills, mostly for vitamin d, magnesium and something to help with my insomnia. And some vitamin C gummies. And visually speaking I’m seeing a healthy crisis in my own house. Alcohol no longer helps with the nerves. In fact it double slaps the burn out and anxiety – according to my favourite Canadian on my Instagram dms.
And I find that by accepting myself and meditating while listening to asmr – which only causes more irritation because I bounce back from drowsiness the minute I hit the snooze level – that I’m trying to figure out, why it is walking and food and getting off social media isn’t doing anything for the insomnia.
And it’s not like spiritual insomnia. This one hurts. This one is irritating. And by giving up the feeling I’m in control – it seems to help that I can admit to myself that it’s been a circus – the travels, the lockdowns, the trying to be positive while family asks questions and winges some. The ambition I have of getting my coaching off the ground and staying sane with no human contact at home… and going out purely for coffee or a walk and now, to ‘hang out’ with a dude I met on a boat. I can admit to myself times are rough. And the last thing I should be doing is not accepting myself and not accepting reality.
Then I’m reading a newspaper I actually bought from the supermarket based on a discount thanks to my purchase of vitamins (the only reason I was there) and decided I had hit a new level of boredom – never have I bought an actual newspaper. But I did donate to Wikipedia back around NYE.
I also found some cute cups with ‘love you mum’ written on them, as well as a diamonte studded keyring with the initial of the dude I hooked up with. I could have been at the beach. I chose to sleep in and chill at the park with my usual coffee and grab the vitamins. Cruisy enough weekday considering I was basically disoriented from insomnia and wanted to keep sleeping in – but friends beach pics made me feel guilty of not being out.
And the weather was beautiful.
So the vitamins are one thing. Another is the hookup world in the time of covid. It came to me that I managed to do hookups in the most impossible times. One was via a friend who had to leave Australia shortly since the lockdowns caused everyone to struggle. And the most ambitious people had a lot to stress about (it was ugly). This guy and I shared a starbucks because it was the only store open til late – and a pepperoni pizza. After like 3 months of no contact that was bliss.
Then I ended that chat for a few reasons.
The next opportune timing came from a boat party a friend suggested we go to back before Christmas lockdowns and we seized the tickets. For a situation where we saw a ton of well dressed girls and lots of pairs, my crowd theorized there were no single guys around.
What is about a cruise in Sydney that doesn’t scream ‘young people’? So they were in awe that after we had a brief gamble at the roulette table on second floor, that I managed to capture the attention of one dude while we spoke facing the harbour bridge. I proved my friends wrong: there were at least 3 single guys on the boat. And one of them asked me for a kiss. Or was it a request. I’ll never know.
I’ll never cease to be in shock at the bold move – but the best part is, in the grand scheme of things, that’s what happens post covid. Rules that make no sense. Loads of partying because people want to enjoy life finally and switch off from reality. And hookups that happen the moment I get space and a nice drink. Lol. The one liner that I got from the same guy, deserves attention because it got a healthy chat started. The 20s theme on the boat was a little too realistic for February 2021 on Sydney harbour.
And it doesn’t end there. Boat docks at 11.30pm, we manage an after party tribe of 11 people to an exclusive bar and my plus one hangs on. In fact I write a google review as we walk in after pressing for the QR code. And we sit down, grab a drink before they announce they’re closing at 12.30 and my plus one asks to go check out the views… and goes for gold. We make out for 5 seconds.
The touch was gentle but the kiss was too much. I broke it off.
It’s one of those nights where you don’t want to go home, the climate was perfect and city was beautiful. All my girlfriends left one by one which surprised me because I was used to collective help and agreement on who takes which uber where.
But my plus one hangs around the whole time and I’m not disturbed. We make it through the city on a whim and I coyly suggest trading numbers. And I get the dude’s middle name. How the. What the. But it’s too entertaining to stop. We hug, he decides to do a kiss on the ear and I walk off.
I totally forgot what it was like to have a guy all over me.
If there was something to do at 2am in the city I would have stayed put. Alas I find a bus that takes me close to home and wave it down, reflecting on the whole experience.
So I don’t go sharing numbers with people I don’t like. I also don’t remember the last time I had a deep conversation when I was in public – among other things. I definitely enjoyed looking like a miracle in my girlfriends eyes when I put a pause on my dude’s chat and left the second floor to the VIP area above.
But in all honesty I feel weird about the hookup because I’m feeling too old for it. Too old for games and guesses and textationships.
Which means I text the guy first and call out anything I don’t like. And somewhere in my system I feel a need to prove something as dating coach.
Something about 2020 not only exhausted me, cheated me a year of actual living – made me feel older by more than 5 years and gave me a new horror story to think about: a dystopia where a lot happened but experienced digitally. Ergo body has no physical reference to a year of tragedy and change. Apart from the first and last shopping trips with queues and masks and not touching things and finding some groceries unavailable. And the whole neighbourhood doing afternoon walks. (that part I kinda liked)
So keeping in mind I actually do like this hookup and find it refreshing as I’m getting to know the 3rd Australian guy who’s made respectful advances – I see exactly what I don’t want. Casual dating, intimacy and textationships are for my 20s when I didn’t know the definition of low investment.
In my 30s I want a plus one for everything. A safe place I can talk, experience life, love hard and create a home. And it’s hard.
But there are A LOT of wins. I’ve noticed that thanks to all the self-love work I’ve done, a quality and respectful guy appeared in my zone. By leaning into my feminine I could appreciate some assertive male leadership – and get turned on by it. I was also able to verbally appreciate the leadership and good times because I felt safe.
I could not say the same for my 20s. My availability for asses kept me thinking a challenged man was my only option. So I closed my availability for only certain factors. It paid off. And something I see some girlfriends struggling with.
I also decided on a limit for intimacy because of emotional investment. And did not argue with men on the topic of s3x since men and women have different approaches.
It was like the boat party had given us a refresher for our social life. Suddenly birthday brunches, an easter BBQ and later hangouts had sprouted naturally. It’s like life on mars.
On that note, because normal life felt so different, it took time to digest. I really feel for those impacted by struggle, tragedy and war. It shapes you.
I never thought I’d be hooking up again at 31 or collecting a bunch of vitamin bottles in my kitchen – or buying actual newspapers from an actual supermarket.
Dilemmas of a Dystopia.