Because I Sucked At Communicating Boundaries: Understanding The Emotionally Intense Person #boundaries #protection #emotionalneeds

I thought I had written before on empaths and how to thrive as one but lately I’ve had signs from the universe calling on me to write about the emotionally sensitive people.

Why would this be… I’ve been in a bit of a pickle still transitioning in life, longer than I had assumed. To make matters worse I’m the oldest grandchild and only child so I’ve had pressures to be certain things.

This means my empath ways are getting a battering! But there’s more to it than just candles and scents and neutral colours (although dayum those are nice – I love vanilla).

I found two articles that absolutely ring true with me and explain a lot of why I do what I do. They also focus on partnerships and how to… be a rockstar in one as an emotionally sensitive person. By understanding and communicating needs.

Which is funny because the guy that I like, is quite reserved but equally as emotional. And that helps explain why our relationship equates to an intense one. And that’s been a key question I’ve been asking the universe. It delivered various answers in stages. Fascinating.


Also, I’m a moon in Pisces which I have noticed, can be bloody dangerous if I do not enforce boundaries. Especially with other experienced Pisceans. You can get manipulated, lied to, taken advantage of – depending on the type of relationship. All of the above has happened to people I know.

And I guess that’s what this piece is about – communicating needs in a good way.
I have known men who hide their sensitivities and I noticed that I am too open for that to happen. So I must communicate what I need.

I am writing this for all the ‘emotionally ‘intense’ people I know – who are probably some of the most amazing, supportive people as well! And I’m writing this as a fun note taking exercise for myself, it’s so good!

This is typical feedback for an emotionally sensitive person:
“why are you being so defensive?”
“that was sensitive”

“why do you care so much?”
“we weren’t talking about you”

Empaths. Hyperactive. Anxious. Frustrated and sometimes, bullied.


Relationships for the emotionally sensitive and intense:

“intense people are fierce and passionate lovers. However, they face specific challenges due to their heightened sensitivity, speed of operation and high level of intuition”.

we are… easily bored.
we might not enjoy couple activities as much as other stuff.

our partners may not understand our sensitivity and needs – jumpy at noise, dislike too much sensory inputs, negatively reactive to stimuli bombardment.

we pick on emotion and nuance
we look for depth in a shallow world

somehow we always prioritize others needs before our own – (triple guilty and leads me to write this) = major chance we have been parentified earlier in life. ((See links below.))


Yep tick tick tick all me… Could have become worse after university. Or amplified after uni.

If I’m not creating something, I feel empty or unproductive.

If I hear a crash in the kitchen and twitch, I’m ‘overreacting’. I literally end up being lectured for interpreting things too sensitively or negatively or whatever; I shut up because I know for a fact communication lines aren’t open.
We need our solitary moments as much as we need to be social…well I do, as an ambivert.

Looking for depth in a ‘shallow world’ is the worst as I fight injustice and hypocrisy in a couple of ways: distance, boundaries, taking back focus, life coaching, life lessons and giving love to those who matter. 

10 ideas that can help the empath thrive

1. Get intimate with your needs
holy crap that one is tough because you need your own space – realize people don’t always need saving – realize your worth – be assertive with boundaries – know yourself.
…. I don’t know many grown up adults that actually know themselves enough for this

2. know your boundaries and communicate them with grace.
Man look at this tactic: 1. Respect someone’s needs. 2. Respect and honour your need. 3. Share your “wound” and ask for help to heal it. This is not so much care taking as making things safe for self-processing (similar to an approach in replying to harsh feedback: asking for time).

3, don’t lose sight of love. This means at times our life partners play a role in our own dramas to face old patterns. We actually need to use our partners in a way to replace with positive new memories. If there was no old wound for example, from childhood, then there would be no personal way you would take something your partner does.

4. appreciate genuine effort. Safe space, graceful communication and taking in feedback to relate to and work with each other – needs to be acknowledged. It encourages and builds intimacy and trust. That one I applause, actually. I am absolutely terrible at verbally thanking people – my love language is more attention and physical affection but I try get vulnerable more often and say thank you.

5. work on taking projections. My goodness I can relate to a lot of these. I try not to project my fears onto others … but sometimes somethings can nag at you. and you need to realize why.

6. Friendship !!!

7. Own your fear: I guess it’s the flip side of communicating boundaries. Honesty about issues and vulnerabilities brings you closer.

8. Apologize when necessary … because we can hurt people with our emotional reactions. Apparently.

9. Focus on the good qualities.

PERSONAL NOTES

Listening to some classics from daddy yankee like Rompe (heart face) I just realized some things which hurt or offend me:


Interrupting mid speech, breaking contact. Talking in suspense or with a full mouth.

Reason: I usually give people my undivided attention and courtesy and respect. The above communicates the lack of. I demand respect.

Moving my stuff without permission: I’ve started to effing hate it. I never touch someone else’s stuff unless totally necessary. And being butch with my creative items… I just lose it. It’s disrespect for space. I don’t dominate people’s space, I try be fair.

Getting told what to wear and causing drama if I don’t obey.
Reason: kinda obvious but I’m not a controlling person. I suggest, recommend, then let the person decide. There’s also an element of emotional irresponsibility… drama is for controlling, fearful people.


Do things on command: I used to do this a lot when I was little. It actually hurt my chances of growing up… because autonomy and decision-making skills. I see those who are super comfortable with making orders and funny enough I only make them myself when I’ve clarified what needs to be done. I don’t go grabbing power. I don’t need it.

Screams across the house: I don’t understand the point of this. Come to me and talk to me in a normal voice. It’s also a bit embarrassing when there’s friends around.
Reason: I lowered my voice a long time ago. Could have something to do with all the adult messes I got dragged into. (post) So I use courtesy and manners to do things with grace.

Bitchery: I don’t like to complain, I just make note of lessons. To bitch, to me, is low. It’s attention seeking and childish. I try to be above it… and if I can’t change anything, then I maintain distance with the negative vibes.

Drama: can handle it, can use it for entertainment, but in real life I loath it. It is literally people getting attention or reacting to simple life situations. My earth friends and family have pointed this out very well (thank you!) (post). If unresolved though, it reflects more on the person causing it. I hate that type of thing and stay away from it.

Looking back on what I’ve come up with, I see I have more issues with people not respecting me, my space and ways – or not reflecting that – than anything else. There’s something noble in the values and qualities I hold dear, which is potentially why I can smell out anyone with false intentions or basic ones.

Another biggie for me is male attention and validation. For example, if a guy does something to make me feel uncomfortable. Sexual advancements are normally that: I don’t verbalize my discomfort, I just physically retreat. Normally the guy gets the hint. But I simply can’t tell a guy that I like, that I’m not comfortable with something. This is vulnerability and I am typically competitive with my bros, especially the ones who have not matured yet. (brocade post)
I have absolutely no issues with verbalizing my distress to dates however.


PROGRESS:

Just the other day, I started implementing my boundaries and found saying no and honouring my distress took a lot off my chest. It also built understanding with my relatives and friends. I said things like ‘I don’t need to explain loyalty’ and ‘that was insensitive’. And then ‘I don’t feel safe’.

You don’t always need to explain yourself… just to speak up. I am developing this habit and finding that protecting myself is easier than I thought and amazing in the long run.

LINKS FOR MORE

eggshelltherapy

psychologytoday

stevenaitchison

3 thoughts on “Because I Sucked At Communicating Boundaries: Understanding The Emotionally Intense Person #boundaries #protection #emotionalneeds

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