Players… what is it I dealt with, and what do people and the web talk about?
Dear God, guys. I came across a few challenges writing this one up.
From given definitions across the web to my experience and all the grey stuff in between, I tried to clean up the information to give you a nice useful post.
Player by definition is someone who manipulates people`s emotion to get what he wants. This is very superficial to me the way it’s outlined on the web.
I mean, yes and no to all signs of “is he playing you”.
In my case especially, there was confusion between being a player by western definition; and just being…. Spanish. This I noted when this guy earnestly said, “I’m NOT a player”.
The kind of player I speak of is the one that finds sleeping around to be the safest and most acceptable “masculine” way of putting medicine on sores or gaps in his life.
Article: Masculinity in crisis shows how some guys have the idea that the goal of convincing a girl to sleep with them, is how you prove your masculine worth.
These kinds of guys use charm to make up for a lot of shortcomings, even though you will find some of them actually love people and especially women. This guy definitely did. But that charm is thick. And they like it that way.
It’s great to give everyone the illusion that you’re amazing when you’re anything but. Including denying to yourself that you have issues. After all, large egos are high maintenance for a reason.
The player (without realizing it maybe) takes self pity with a dose of looking good, charm, false warmth and anything in his surrounding including humour, to suck energy off you to feed his ego. And probably blow things up with drama. Thats quick attention.
Because holy crap this guy knows he is inadequate. And this guy who will remain anonymous, freely admitted he was 3 words which would not flatter anyone.
OK back to the point because my beautiful forest is calling;
Points beyond the scoreboard
: It’s a second date, at a music festival
: not a self proclaimed one but the legend says so
: I’m excited, controlled and in disbelief.
: Met at a student pub during summer high season, hooked up by summer, kept meeting up by winter, moved away by February, 4 months later started dating.
I saw some boundaries that had been crossed and many points that had been ticked; partner values and fun sized things I like. One cute part happened when we naturally shared some festival shopping and a little errand to the post office.
“I like to be useful,” he said.
Things that remind me, we have rapport. We have hung out. We aren’t strangers.
– Not in the strict sense.
And then: crunch time. Where will he open to you and you to him? If, as some players do, he manipulates you – will you run from or confront some issues? It is challenging to be vulnerable around people who try to influence or control you UNscrupulously. And I will not lie. A lot of times I tried to keep my distance when I saw something that was not to my liking. Like, he could piss me off.
But after several months, I could see that tactic was not working. Students don’t give up the partying. And we ended up here. Loads of questions from him, pushing and pulling and parties later.
We hung out enough before when we talked about plans to party, about his previous work: he showed me a phone picture of his little niece.
The party atmosphere can be very superficial.
I wondered at what point (more than 1 year I’ve known him) he started trusting me with this information.
I thought I knew him, but now the details shocked me.
What is the pro to going out with one…. I think it’s more intimate emotionally speaking than just partying with one. He spoke about his family, brothers, how he learned English so quickly, what he thinks people think of him, how much he loves his mother, what he thinks of work.
Secondly, the vision you see from the top at parties is just an image. There are people behind the label and its behaviours… And some problems. Some people are very good at wearing social masks.
Thirdly – I found that whatever you do, there is lack of judgement… most of the time. We all do weird things and the last thing we want is to be judged for being ourselves. This one is super important to me.
Another thing which I will always admire is what he asks for. With conviction and assertiveness.
I think some of us girls, raised to be cute and modest, need to learn from these traits.
We reached a little station store of drinks and food and he says quite defensively: “don’t judge me, but I’m going to get water”.
“Good” I replied: “I was also thinking of lemonade”. (I got the s Pellegrino lemonade, hit the spot).
It’s great to actually know what you want and even better to clearly and specifically express the wish to anyone.
This is what contributes to the guy getting what he wants – appreciation (charm) and demand (clear assertive request). To this day I don’t get why this is allocated only to guys; girls should also be open about their wishes. Open and clear and undramatic.
Of course, good looks like an open face, thick hair, height and a large upper body made a difference. They make those false eyelashes quiver.
This brings me to point 3; I could see what kind of lives we lead… and IF we are actually compatible.
Last but not least: is he a gent? Will he pay for things, provide, ask for the status of the event? Like are we hungry, where do we meet friends, do we want a bit of quiet, holy crap was that a huge whiff of marijuana?
Mine did, and I never argued. Life is tough enough without fighting for identity as a providing male and getting the status on a situation.
And I respected the fact he was always asking (as I was) if we needed something or telling me what he needed.
The communication and generosity and fun is what made me like his presence and give him my time. And possibly the title of most magnanimous, charming, generous host of parties.
Now to get to the strange aspects which add to the answer of how I got so intimate with this guy so fast and comfortably:
Seeing as he tried to hook up several months ago, stuff like affection, hugs and holding hands was not new to me. You`re so used to “hanging out” and going out that it feels strange to be just one on one, doing things separately to the crowd. Also, doing that with a non type contributes heavily because instead for example, having gorgeous light eyes stare at you – these are deep brown ones that are trying to read your expressions.
For a good, quiet, intense couple of minutes.
Things are changing… woah. You are forced to recognize reality and take labels off a person which you realize are false and just a part of the defence mechanism – ie threat or ally.
I had accepted the guy to act like an egotistic dickhead and once the universe tried shuffling that box out, I was having a psychological reshuffle too.
Complete twist, complete change and – super challenging. It wasn’t until these peculiar moments that I woke up and felt very unnerved… and blurted out something in that silence to cover up being shaken up.
Did I already mention that this guy, as charming and dark and tall and handsome as he was, wasn’t my type?
Between travels, going out, jobs and universities and a move around I found out, if he misses you it means your presence.
…The very thing I liked about him as student, is the thing that made me want to swat the whole deal away.
The presence and the desire to enjoy life.
Why? Because as student I studied with privileged kids who couldn’t see what was directly in front of them. Gotta get through this, gotta get through that.
He was a breath of fresh air because he was in the present and content. I told him so and to this day he is surprised.
Sound good? Well several months down the track I want to know – is he going to stop there? Is it just working, partying and being in love with a toddler niece? (As cute as that is& very evident in his eyes)
No – I want more.
So what the hell sets my candidate apart from a guy that I would keep going out with?
Answer: Actual goals and a concrete plan. That’s manly, that’s action, that’s a vision. That’s a relationship. I mean, I do the same for my life. So I want to see a reflection of that in his. Otherwise we goin` overboard on this ship, people!
Guys, that’s the whole issue of life isn’t it. You hang out with someone because you enjoy their company. Once you disagree on something can you do it respectfully? Once you come to a bend can you realize hey this person made this decision and I wish them well?
Or are you going to start manipulating them when you don`t get what you wanted?
Expectation and reality: do you want what the person is naturally offering?
I want to leave you with the positive approach.
The one difference between guys?
Do they want to learn and be better, will they listen to you and actually take your directions? Compromise?
That’s the ultimate partnership criteria.
Not the winning or losing. If he treats you like a game, dump him in kindergarten like the immature prick he is. Love isn’t a game. But it can be a battlefield.
UPDATE: new post after a year of ‘keeping in touch’ and it’s also about my friends strange relationships too in Love Happens: Unlikely Romances . One of the most popular posts which my friends have also read.
… the post basically wrote itself. Imma grab a glass of wine now.